Well....it's been a long time since I've posted and I feel like I've been thru a lifetime of "stuff."  Little man was born on Feb. 16th, ended up having a c-section instead of the natural birth that I longed for (and educated myself so well about). At first I didn't think having the c-section affected me, until the pain meds started to wear off & the reality set in. I found out that it greatly affected me....it affected the way that I bonded w/CI too. I felt very detached to him, like I had missed an integral part of the bonding process. It bothered me so much that I felt like I could never successfully complete anything that I might try to do. I decided that I needed to start talking to someone, to get some help. Meanwhile, I started babywearing along with breastfeeding and co-sleeping hoping that it would speed up the bonding process - which it fortunately did! I still had a lot of guilt about the c-section and how it affected me and my darling little man. Once I started talking to the counselor, I realized that there were a lot more issues at hand than just the c-section. Yesterday I likened it to being a box of chocolates - the initial problem is chocolate and once the box was opened there were many different kinds inside (corny I know, but it seemed fitting). I've been having problems w/intimacy too - complete and total lack of desire. Most of that is coming from M being out of work for so long and his inability to share an equal load of responsiblities with the household work/kids/etc. I realized that I needed to tell him what I expected from him instead of him just figuring it out (that might've taken forever). Once we started talking about it, he began taking on more responsibilities and looking for a job in earnest. Now he's had one interview and a job offer and will go to another interview tomorrow. I feel like things are starting to look up..........finally........ Plus, I've started walking almost everyday. I've noticed that when I first get out the door and start walking, I almost immediately want to go back in the house. But, I continue on, knowing that it WILL help and I have to push myself on. Once I'm almost back home, I don't want to stop walking & somedays will walk an extra few blocks past the house before coming home. When I get home, I feel peaceful and centered (better than I've felt in a long time). Well, today I went to the lake to walk and ended up walking around it 3 times (that's 2.01 miles, yay for me!!!) - I almost kept going, but was a little worried that little man might be starting to get hungry so I stopped & came home. While I was walking today I had an epiphany. I realized why I had to have the c-section... All my life I've wanted to get "into shape" and be healthier, but I've never really stuck to it. I would start doing yoga, do it for a little while and then not do it again for months. Or I would start walking, do it for a couple of weeks and then stop for whatever reason. I've never really had the motivation to continue with whatever I started, until now. I educated myself so thoroughly about having a natural birth. I knew everything there was to know about what I was supposed to do - my brain was very prepared, but my body was not. I did exercise some, but not enough. My body was not prepared to endure the pain and I didn't have the stamina either, so I ended up w/a c-section. My body didn't fail me, I failed my body. I needed to have my body in tiptop shape to "run this marathon" and I put it off, thinking it would all work out anyway. Then, all of my "issues" started coming out because of the trauma of the c-section which caused me to start talking to a counselor about the "issues" - I'm trying to "fix" my head, but I can't just work on one part, I have to "fix" the whole body/mind/soul, it's all interconnected. I've come to realize that I'll do whatever I have to do to continue walking on a pretty much daily basis (at least 6 times a week). I'll wake up at 4:30am if I have to, I'll walk in the 90 degree heat, I'll walk in the 30 degree cold, I'll walk when I'm not feeling so good. I'll push myself to my limits and then go further. I finally feel optimistic about the future, I feel optimistic about life, I feel optimistic about how my children will be raised. I also realized today that ML acts the way she does because she's learned how to act from us. That's a pretty harsh slap in the face when she's being whiny or demanding or hitting us or yelling at us.....she's learned all of this from us. If we want her to act nicer and kinder, then we need to treat her nicer and kinder, we need to treat each other nicer and kinder. Wow, what a lot of things to realize in just one day! I feel like my brain is starting to finally emerge from this fog that's been surrounding it for way too long. Quite possibly all of the walking and sweating I've been doing is cleaning out all of the toxins and allowing me to function properly.... I don't really care what it is, I just want it to continue. I want to stay optimistic, I want to see results, I want to feel results, I want to stay on this road that leads to happiness! I'll do whatever it takes.....

 I never thought my life would be like this, ever in a million years. I had a set plan for how it was going to go & somewhere along the way I took a different turn and lost my way. I'm not saying that I'm unhappy with how things turned out (for the most part, I'm pretty happy - but there are things that I would do differently if I had the chance). It's hard to believe that my son was due to be born two days ago and here I am sitting & waiting for him to arrive. I never thought I would have one child, let alone two... I wish that I could have my life in order so that I could be a better - person, partner, mother, etc. I absolutely hate how things have dissolved with my family - what's the point of having a brother, sister and father if they're not worth having and don't even make an effort???? It makes me sad beyond belief somedays. I will never let my children feel the way that my father has made me feel. I will never abandon them, not for any reason. Oh well, I guess people are all different and value different things. There's so much more I want to say, about so many more things, but I don't feel as if I can express those feelings right now. It's hard to focus on anything other than the impending birth of the little man....

 How much more crying can I do?? How much more stress can I handle?? Why do I continue to put myself thru this????? I must be a glutton for punishment...

I know that I'm not happy, I know most of what makes me unhappy and yet I continue to subject myself the those very things. I truly must be insane. I'm suffering because of it, ML's suffering too. What kind of childhood memories is she going to have? Her mother always unhappy, trying to hold it all together to do what's best for her and her father always angry, complaining about everyone and everything (and always trying to scare her). I don't want her to have lasting bad memories....that would mean that her childhood ended up being everything I tried so hard to make sure it wasn't. Great.

If I continue to be with him, I cannot expect too much. I think that's my problem now, expecting too much... Expecting to be loved, treated well, given respect, shown that I'm an important and integral part of this family. These shouldn't be things that one should have to compromise on, but I have to. Well, I have to if I want to continue to be with him.

Why am I with him if it makes me so miserable??? I ask myself this all the time. My only answer is because I love him. Damn me for loving someone who isn't the person I want them to be. What am I to do? Should I stay just for love and let every other aspect of my life go or should I leave and try to find myself again?? This whole staying or leaving is definitely not an easy thing to have to think about. I want, no crave, stability. I want to feel predictability, knowing that everything's going to be ok. 

My life has definitely not turned out the way I had dreamed (I never thought it would turn out exactly how I dreamed, but I thought maybe I could get close - possibly turning out greater than I ever imagined). I've made so many bad decisions and taken so many things out of my control. I don't know if it could change for the better now even if I tried (it feels like it's too far gone, too out of control). 

What am I doing bringing another life into this turmoil?? What the hell was I thinking???  The only thing I know is that having a child was the best thing I've ever done with my life. If I could, I would have 20 more (not literally). I thought (there I go thinking again...) ML could benefit immensely by having a sibling, someone to hang onto when we're not here anymore, someone else who's family. I didn't even stop to think about the repercussions. I didn't think about having to deal with stress from him or how good (or bad) of a parent he was going to turn out to be).

He was soooooo happy after she was born. I saw firsthand the transformation in him. He mellowed out, his heart grew, he finally had a family. Those first couple of days were some of the best of my life and his too (I think). We were a perfect little family, complete. He ooooo'd and aaahhh'd over her, not really knowing what to think but loving her all the same. He did the same for me, he made me feel special. He gave me the attention I desperately craved. He oozed loved. It was the best. Then it all changed.

He didn't understand that I had ppd. He didn't even seem particularly concerned. All he wanted to do was scare me back into being ok - which, by the way, is not a good way to handle things. He couldn't see that I needed love and support and help. All he could see was his computer and his games and his music and his life, sans mother and child. I really could've benefited from some love, affection and support. A lending ear or shoulder to let me talk about my new role in life or to just let me cry it all out. I didn't get either of these... I got lectures, tough love (if that's what you could call it) and what I felt like was abandonment. 

It's never right w/him. He won't give because he feels like he's not getting. He won't go above and beyond because he already has (well I've wiped my ass once too, does that mean I don't have to do it again????). He wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it and if anyone or anything stands in his way he turns into a dick and begins attacking whatever the obstacle is (which is usually me).

I understand that no one is perfect and no one is going to be my savior. I'm not looking for a savior. I'm looking for a best friend, a companion, a lover, a partner - a loving, caring, honest person to share my life with. I thought I had found that person - to the best of my ability. I thought I had found that one person who completed me, who would love me beyond my wildest imagination. I thought that our love would stand the test of time, a great love for the ages. I thought all the little things that bothered me would be small beans in the long run, things that would work themselves out. Boy was I wrong... I never want to change people, I just want them to be the best they can be. I want to be the best I can be...

Should I just concentrate on me or should I concentrate on us??? I cannot be the only one working toward a common goal, it will never work. If I concentrate only on me then I'm afraid of what I'll truly find.... I'm afraid that if I look too hard I'll realize how unhappy I am and how unhappy he makes me and I'll be forced to make harder decisions than I've ever faced. I just want things to work out for the best, for all of us to live happy, satisfied, fulfilled lives (but can we do that together????). 

 

 Most days I really enjoy being a mother and living the life I have now. Today doesn't seem to be one of those days... I feel very aggravated, easily irritated and in pain (the joys of pregnancy). Trying to start the whole potty training process is a HUGE pain in the ass too. Just imagine 6 pairs of panties  (Dora and Hello Kitty, of course) and multiple towels thrown over the pee spots all over the floor. Now she doesn't want the panties, preferring instead to be naked (joy). Today is one of those days when I wonder what the hell I was thinking. I feel terribly more than trapped, a prisioner of my own making. I don't foresee better times, just more of the same. The constant monotony, the daily same old same old. I really am trapped, stuck in this house with no car to go anywhere. If I want to walk somewhere, I can - but where?? There's nothing within walking distance, except the beach (yay, more sand, more irritation, more having to clean....). Well, she changed her mind again and now wants to wear diapers again (whatever). I want to run screaming - far, far away. I want a day of peace, a day of pampering, a day where I can possibly begin to feel human again (instead of a robot, most comparable to Rosie - a maid, nanny, basically a servant). I'll never get this day. That's just how things go around here. I probably don't even deserve to have that day, especially feeling the way I do. I really am not sure how much longer this life can just drag on. I want to find my "authentic" life, the one I am supposed to live, instead of this dragging, day to day hell. I want to feel inspired, to feel alive, to feel anything other than stressed out, bored or irritated. Life is what you make it, but how can you make it great when you don't have any options, any support, anything??? Now she's getting ready to bust her head open crawling all over her highchair, I have half a mind to let her do it. Me telling her no that she's going to fall and counting and all that bullshit doesn't work, maybe hurting herself will work.... I need personal space, personal time. But, I don't know what I would do w/that time and space. I've lost so much of myself that I don't even remember what I like and don't like (ok, let me rephrase that - I don't remember what I like, I'm very familiar with what I don't like). I couldn't sleep last night, my hips and knee kept hurting so bad that it would wake me up. There was no position I could get in that would make the pain stop, but what am I expecting by having to sleep on a futon??? I miss being able to sleep in a bed, hell I miss being able to sleep in a bedroom instead of a living room. I live 90% of my life in the living room (the rest divided up between the bathroom and the kitchen). I get so bored in this house, condo, apartment, whatever the hell it is (hell on stilts, yep, that pretty much covers it). 90% of my day is taken up with Noggin and constant struggles with a 2 year old, the rest divided up among cooking, cleaning, sleeping, and wasting time on this damn computer (my only real salvation from the boredom). I miss music and movies and uninterrupted time. I miss being able to get in the car and go somewhere at a moments' notice. I miss having other people to talk to besides a 2 yr old and a partner that tunes me out most of the time. I miss having things that I liked to do and being able to do them. I miss sex - the kind of sex that has passion, the kind that makes your toes tingle (not the "hurry up before she wakes up" kind). I miss having money, my money, that I could use as I saw fit. I miss having a house to live in that wasn't going to be taken away if the rent wasn't paid on time. I miss who I used to be - a long time ago before I became so jaded, mistrustful and angry at everything. I miss smiling and truly laughing. I miss feeling happy and being able to appreciate the simple things. I miss being blissfully ignorant (and being able to eat gas station hot dogs, drink blue cream soda and eat chips - there was nothing better after going to the park to swim in the public pool). I miss feeling like I had someone who truly cared and would do anything in the world for me, having that kind of connection. I miss big bear hugs (the kind that don't hurt, but make you feel like home). I miss having someone to talk to that actually listened, even when I was rambling (and who knew when to just listen and not try to 'fix" everything). I miss feeling like I had opportunities and thinking they were endless. I miss the "magic" of life and having mystery. I miss seasons changing (having "true" seasons) and the smell of the air as each one changed. I miss seeing trees and the ability to see them change with the seasons. I miss having family. I miss the taste of really good food (w/out having to worry about pesticides, hormones or antibiotics). I feel like I've lost so much in my life.

 I just couldn't sleep for the life of me last night. I started out good & then woke up around 12:46am, then 2:30am, then 3:00am, then 4:44am & pretty much stayed up from there. It's aggravating to not be able to sleep, almost as aggravating as the dreams I've been having lately. As I was lying in bed this morning, contemplating trying to go back to sleep, I was making a new entry to this journal in my head. I wish that I would've just gotten up & typed the damn thing instead of wasting time lying around. Or possibly I could've gotten up & taken a shower (whew! I smell, ick!!). Or I could've popped in my pregnancy yoga cd & exercised a little (while there was still time & some quiet). But I could go off the deep end w/all the could've's, should've's and what if's... Fact is, I stayed in bed & wasted a good opportunity (it's not the first time I've ever done this *rolling eyes now*). At least I don't feel quite as ill as I did yesterday, but the day's still early, I'm sure things can (and will) change.

I've decided that one of my previous entries about plugging the toaster in should become a motto for my life. I can't just stand and wait for the damn toaster to start by itself, I need to plug it in & get over it. It makes sense in my head, but I'm sure it doesn't to anyone else. Fortunately in this case, I am the only one that matters. 

I have to find some positive in my life (even if it's just nostalgic thoughts). The present doesn't seem to be so positive and I'm too worn down to be able to really see the future clearly. Sitting here on the computer is not helping my cause....I'm pretty sure that it's one of the things that's bringing me down. I spend too much time on here & not enough time doing things that matter. I seem to only be able to do what I have to do, never what I want to do. Since I've been up for so long & have caffienated myself, maybe I'll be able to do some other things today. I do need some inspiration too. 

Today is one of those days where I'm left wondering where my life went. More exactly, wondering how this could be my life...  It's not like I feel stuck in the past anymore or really long for the past either, but somehow I feel like I've missed out on something (or run headlong into something I wasn't prepared for...). I know that I have a lot to be happy about, thankful for, etc., but I need a minutes peace, some quiet. The monotony of daily life is wearing thin....the constant chasing of a toddler is driving me mad. This feeling might not be so strong if I could control my dreams a little better. My dreams of late have sent me into a tailwind of nostalgia, wondering about all of my life choices. Looking at others (from the outside, of course) makes me jealous, longing for what they seem to have. I know that others lives aren't really as glamorous or exciting as they seem or nearly as perfect, I'm chasing illusions here people... I try to look at my life & see all of the good (or possibly great) qualities it has to offer, but those seem clouded, tainted somehow. Life just doesn't seem to be adding up lately. The lack of quiet time and time for introspection probably have a lot to do w/this. It's hard to clear your head when you can't even hear what's going on inside. Outside interference is only a small part of the problem I'm sure. The lack of emotional support plays a part too. It would be great to have a partner in crime, a confidant, a companion, but I'm left w/only half (or less) of what I need/want. Being pregnant is bringing me down too. I don't feel like I'm being treated like I should be during this time (and believe me, I'm not expecting flowers or poems....just a little respect and attention). 

*If ML screams one more time, I'm jumping off the fucking balcony*

I crave time away. Time to be able to clear my head, time to see different scenery, time to have a fucking minutes peace, time to stop and smell the roses. I can't continue to live like this. Yeah right, I've been living like this for far too long to be able to change now... It seems like no matter what I do, things continue the same way. I find myself asking far too often, what is the point?

Seems we've hit a streak of bad luck lately and I'm not really seeing an end to it. It started out after we found out I was pregnant again (which was a good thing, a planned thing...). Everything started going down hill from there, I had thought it should be the beginning of wonderful things (rolling eyes now). It started w/small, but fixable things, and moved right on up to our car. We failed our inspection because some asshat decided that our tint was too dark (coughs *bullshit*), then we had our 1st flat tire (thanks to a nail...), and then we blew a rod & now the engine is fucked. The people at the car place are saying that it's going to run us about $4200 to get it fixed. Mind you, we have a warranty on the car but the warranty company doesn't want to pay out that much, so we may just be fucked too. We're having to rent a car ($50 a day....going on day 6 now....I see money just floating away). Trying to get a rental car is a whole other story of bad luck in itself. While sitting at the car repair place, I called Enterprise (the "we'll pick you up" people) and told them I wanted to rent a car and need to be picked up. Guess what, they had no cars (big surprise) & he told me he'd check around for cars & call me back. Twenty minutes later (mind you, I'm at the repair place w/a sleepy 2 year old who is pitching a FIT) he calls back giving me the numbers to the other Enterprise agencies in town. Now I have to call them (duh, I could've done that to begin with and saved myself 20 minutes, grrrr!). Only one of them had a car, but couldn't come pick us up. I was at my wits end by this point & promptly broke down, tears and all (how embarrassing...). Stubbornly I took our car (which was barely drivable) and went to Mike's work & called him from the parking lot. He took the rest of the afternoon off work (more money out the window) and we went in search of a rental at someplace other than Enterprise. Fun fun... This morning I got the call that it's going to cost $521.20 just to breakdown the engine so the warranty people can come out to inspect it (and they might not even cover it, so we'll be responsible for the cost). I can't get Mike on the phone....he takes the damn cellphone w/him to work, but then leaves it turned off....smart, real smart. I don't know if he'll check for messages at lunch, but I need to get back to the repair shop about getting the ball rolling & can't do this w/out talking to him first. Plus, the rental car place called while I was on the phone w/the repair shop....must mean he didn't get in touch w/them yesterday like he was supposed to....big surprise. I'm getting a little worn down w/all of these horrid things happening & all I can think of is what's going to happen next... Like I said, it seems like it's never-ending. I'm already emotional enough just being pregnant and having to deal w/a 2 yr old without having to deal w/anything extra. Being pregnant is a totally different subject too. ML doesn't have insurance anymore because Mike makes too much money and I'm pretty sure that I won't be covered anymore either because of the same reason. If I'm not covered, I don't know how we're going to afford the ob/gyn visits (hopefully midwife), let alone the hospital bill... Too much stress....I can't handle it, I'm starting to crack around the edges.

Ok, it's official, I HATE the fuckers who live above us... They stomp (and I mean STOMP) around the house ALL day long. All night sometimes too. They have a neurotic dog who runs around & barks all the time too. The fact that they have hardwood floors does NOTHING for the sound factor. They have people over pretty much daily. They sound like elephants (worse than the little asian guys where we used to live). Plus, they're typical boys...I have no respect for them. I'm soooooo ready to move. Our landlord called today & left a message saying that she wants to come by Monday to bring our new lease & discuss the new terms & such....I don't even want to call her back. I found a wonderful house for lease, yes, house & I want to do whatever it takes to get this house! It's $100 more than we're already paying, but it's a HOUSE, not a condo, and you can still see the ocean & it's still w/in walking distance too. I love the house, it's a perfect little beach cottage, but w/enough storage so we could potentially have a lovely house, free from clutter (*EEK*, I'm squealing w/delight!). I feel so stuck at this moment though... He is in Texas again & said he would call this morning & I've yet to hear anything. I told him about the house last night & he said to do whatever I could w/out him to make sure we get it - easier said than done. If he would ever call, I could get the fax # for the hotel he's staying at & give it to the lady in charge of the rental...get the ball rolling at least, which is what I want to do definitely before Monday. I would like to have more facts/time/etc on my side before I have to deal w/our current landlord. We've put up w/so much shit from them since we've lived here, we haven't had a complete set of kitchen cabinets since the 1st 3 months after we moved in (due to mold damage, which has never officially been fixed completely). I think we've been more than patient w/them, but now I'm scared that we're going to get stuck staying here because of the time issue. I've been telling him that he needs to call our landlords & get the ball rolling w/the moving out, our lease is up at the end of the month, so he calls Thursday - the day before he goes out of town for a week or so & then leaves me to deal w/the aftermath. I DO NOT want to stay here 6 more months, I don't really want to stay here for one more day... It's ridiculous what we have to deal w/living here. No one ever takes the garbage cans to the road, which results in the cans overflowing & stinking....or if I take them to the road, no one ever brings them back in. It's not my responsibility to make sure the cans get empty, I'm not the only one who puts trash in them... Plus, no one ever comes to change the outside lights when they burn out - we've changed the light outside our front door at least 7-8 times since we've been here (now most of the carport lights are out too, but we're not changing them!). We have psychotic pest control guys who come by every month. They come to spray at like 9am, they have keys so if I don't get to the door soon enough, they'll just walk on in (what if I was in the bathroom or taking a shower?!?!?!) - we never see bugs until they come & then we see a lot. We don't have enough storage space, our building SHAKES when the wind blows, the sliding glass door leaks when it storms, we have tourists that vacation in our building (LOUD tourists) & can't park in the lines to save their lives. I love the location, but that's about it... I know we'll have problems at this house too, but hopefully they won't be nearly as bad as what we're having to deal w/now. I still don't know if it's feasibly possible to get all of our stuff packed up so quickly, maybe I should start today (I can't decide what else to do anyway...). If only HE would call, I might feel like I have a better handle on this... Right now I feel like I'm flailing all over the place.

The day to day is really starting to wear on me... Being trapped in this house is torture, even if the ocean is right outside the door. I don't like staying in one place for too long, it's very limiting. I am BORED to tears... I'm thinking of a road trip, knowing that it won't happen anytime soon.

I know they say life is what you make it, but how can you make it what you want when you have to deal w/other people? I want to surround myself w/wonderful, loving, fun, compassionate, understanding, passionate, positive people, but how??? It's too hard already to meet new people when the one you're with hates all people and pretty much everything else too. I wish he was just a little more _______ (just name it...). He says I'm negative, he says that I'm the one w/the problems, he says that I am the one who needs to change. I'm pretty happy w/my life outside of "him," so do I still need to change? I see myself as a very optimistic, idealistic, loving, caring, honest person (maybe that's just because I'm not honest w/myself...).

If I were truly honest w/myself, I don't think I could say that I am a very happy person. Or even that I like my life... It hasn't turned out the way it should've. I know that life never does turn out like you want, but mine has ventured so far off the road that I don't feel like I have any control anymore. I don't have anything in common w/him anymore, half of the time I don't really like him. He's too rough, too mean, too negative, too picky, he doesn't fulfill my needs like I think a partner should (no, I'm not talking about sex, just needs in general), he is always angry and complaining about something, he doesn't care about anything that should be meaningful (ex, b'days, traditions, holidays, etc). He is starting to make me not care either.

I HATE the constant arguing, fighting, name-calling, negativity.... I am at my wits end w/this, all of this. I want to be happy, but I'm not sure how I ever can be if I stay w/him. There's this vicious cycle that is never-ending, it's been going on for 8 years now & I don't think it'll ever stop.

So...what if I DID decide to go to a shrink to "fix my head," what would happen if miraculously I WASN'T the problem??? What if "he" was the problem? I just feel like there's always going to be something for him to complain about, something for him to not be happy with. I've started walking, at least 5 times a week & it's making me feel so much better (& I'm starting to look better too...). I think he's threatened by this. I think he feels like if I do something to really change my happiness and appearance I'll realize how unhappy I am w/him & want to leave. I think he's so insecure w/himself that he projects a lot of it onto me...

The past will never be the past w/us, honesty will never be "honest" w/us (at least on his part), love will never be what it should be w/us. The cycle will never end. No I'm not being pessimistic, but I've tried to change the cycle, I've gone w/the cycle, I've taken myself out of the cycle & HERE WE ARE, still...

Now we have a child, she sees this cycle & she will grow up to think this is normal. This makes me so sad I can hardly stand it... I want her to grow up knowing that it's ok to have arguments, but they can be resolved and parents CAN get along & stay together. I don't want her to stand witness to the screaming, yelling, fighting, throwing things, hitting, etc. It's not her fault, she never asked to be a part of this family...

Another thing that just kills me is that I'm trapped here w/out a car. I bought a car, it's sitting in MB in his dad's garage (it works, not the prettiest thing to look at, but it DOES run), I bought us another car - he drives it everyday to work. His car doesn't work, he won't get it fixed. He did drive his dad's car until it too broke, he won't get it fixed either... He made sure to put our "new" car in his name, so now "technically" it's HIS (his name is on "our" insurance, so that's why he put the car in his name - STUPID ME...). He's got me completely trapped & is systematically isolating me. I don't have but a few friends (really only 2, one here & one where we used to live). I don't ever get to see my family, I don't ever get to see my friends, I don't ever get to go anywhere (unless he's w/me). I never get a break from our child, I'm w/her 24/7. Don't get me wrong, I love her to death, but being around anyone 24/7 will drive you bonkers.

I don't even know how to change any of this. I feel so helpless somedays and completely overwhelmed other days. I'm not even sure I CAN change any of this. I don't have any kind of support system, he won't let me work so I don't have any money, I don't have a car....it just goes on & on.

I seem to be making myself depressed typing all of this. I just wanted to get it off my chest & don't have anyone to talk to about it... I thought getting it out of my head would make me feel better, but it's making me feel more out of control of my life. There are days when I miss my old life so bad I can taste it. Somedays I feel like I've made a huge mistake, somedays I don't even feel like this is my life.